4/4/22

got this new coffee (midnight sun) which tastes just as good as it lookx. mm.

okay so i set out to type a big long diatribe about This Guy I Have A Crush on From Work but i really don't have much to say beyond the fact that he's cute af and likes a lot of the same stuff i do and we get along rly well. he lent me his copy of prison pit and when i gave it back he let me keep it, which in underground comix language is like the biggest flirt evyr. also ive realized that i have a type: depressed n artsy. Have i ever dated someone who did not fit those two categories?? it's like that one joke. "i didnt mean to kiss him! he was just so sad! ...and tall!!"

ive thought a lot more about the last entry and i've come to realize that i'm all pissy about my knight metaphor b/c I'M the knight now. being bi is a fucking trip. i mean i really like being someone's knight but. you know how when yer dating a girl/femme you miss guys/dudes/mascs and when you're dating a guy you miss girls?? why can't i have everything i want lmao. porque no los dos (or todos, b/c that line def includes enbies)

seriously though this is fuckin good cawfee

4/1/22
blehhh
feels good to be back though. i really missed my weird lil corner of the internet

can't stop thinking alister thoughts. (mispelling here so my life is ungoogleable. the internet was a mistake). sometimes a guy just wants to be carted off by a real life knight in shining armor yanno? i spend an awful lotta time saving myself and here i am tired as shit. sometimes there's something appealing about that idk. sometimes the armor can be not that shiny, come to think of it i do prefer a knight that's been slapped around in the mud a little. x

i guess i was super lucky to be able to go out and have irl adventures for a really long time. i've been stuck inside due to this ((indicates world around you)) but moreover i haven't lived in a major city in a while and i'm not on the up and up re: going out. doing things. i've been real shitty and havent even seen anyone since my birthday a while ago and frankly theres no reason why i cant hit my friends up to go to the bar or some shit. i like them a lot

it's kinda hard not to miss actually going to like. the goth club. and having weird romantic knight adventures i guess. i know i can probably go back and have more adventures whenever but it just seems so irresponsible and dangerous with ((indicates stuff))

all my friends have apparently had lengthy discussions over whether or not i am polyam but i think i just. really like getting to know people and im a hopeless fuckin romantic. that's the fun part

well that and the whole slapping a knight into the mud in a sexy way thing

ugh i could write forever. i never get to be real with anyone ever. me and my snakey thoughts

ok yeah well maybe i'm just being extra shitty because i have had a weird fucking last few years and ive been so tired and for a portion of it actually physically sick, not with the plague, but yknow. i had to back out of some shit including birthdays and stuff for a long time and now everyone - even though theyre always happy to see me when i emerge from my idiot cave. like actually "where have you been wtf we should get lunch". but idk whats wrong with me, idk. i was never the kind of guy with social anxiety or whatever but ive missed out on so much. a while ago a bunch of people i know went out to the woods and did shrooms and normally like i'm the first person people usually call for that. but i was so out of the loop. it's really comforting knowing everyone is cool about it but i used to be such a party god or whatever. (sarcasm needed. but seriously i used to be way more social than i am now)

i am going to be such a good dude and not waste the rest of my life being scared of jumping back into shit. it's just so easy to sit around and be inside and content but really if i'm honest with myself i am screaming for adventures. i used to get up to so much shit idk.

11/18/20
started a journal for my innermost thoughts xx
not much yet, but probably mostly pictures